rage, rage against the dying of the light
"Do not go gentle..."
Warum nun in meinem Kopf? Diese Zeilen?
Another ending, this unexpected loss of M, my special Hugh Grant friend, which seems sadly final. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I know that in the past I have seen myself too many times as the center of other people's problems or doings. This time it has occurred to me again. There can be lots of reasons for doing what he has done, but, actually, I can't think of any good ones. You could cut all your links to your past if you want to make a fresh start. Wouldn't you mind losing good friends along the road? And there I am again: Am I a reason to cut the past off? I've always been one to exaggerate feelings or even invent them in guys that were mildly interested if at all and to just not see them in others that I deemed friends. (As Groucho Marx has put it, I would never join a club that would stoop low enough to take me as a member.) Sometimes he seemed very friendly towards me, a lot nicer than others, but then again, he was nice to a lot of people, that was just his way. And haven't I just learned from Greg Behrendt's wisdom that if he doesn't ask me out, he's just not that into me? He can't possibly be the one guy in a million who is too reasonable to give it a try even if he's going to move several hours north. Well, he could. But chances are, he isn't. If by some utter miracle you come across this, Mr. choir voice, humanist, sophisticated synaesthetic fluent at Greek guy, yes, it is you. So, why in the world would you do what you've done? Not that we've kept such close touch in the past eight months, erh, quite the opposite, actually, but that has completely robbed me of any chances. Is that what it is supposed to tell me? That I for once have to act and not just think about acting, maybe?
You do know that there was a time when you were one of the three guys peopling my brain? C, the waste of time, H, the wishful thinking kind of result, and you. What H's voice was referring to K, yours was to me, sometimes. You noticed subtle detail that hardly anyone saw, talking to you felt better than talking to C. Tough one, that, since talking to C involved frantically scratching the deep end of my brain for things to say to his silence and resigning, embarrassingly attributing it to his feelings. Talking to you was like no time at all, yet free. There was no click in my heart either, I'm afraid, only some moments of astonishment. Is this a great case of unrequited something that has had you pull the plug? Or is it me making a melodrama - again?
Gotta go to bed, hear my mom coming. Nah, but just felt like quoting my runner-up "favorite movie". Which one is my favorite again? Brain leak. No, that's not it. Ah, yes, Music and Lyrics. "I have amazing insight. I'd use it on myself, except I don't have any problems."
Warum nun in meinem Kopf? Diese Zeilen?
Another ending, this unexpected loss of M, my special Hugh Grant friend, which seems sadly final. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I know that in the past I have seen myself too many times as the center of other people's problems or doings. This time it has occurred to me again. There can be lots of reasons for doing what he has done, but, actually, I can't think of any good ones. You could cut all your links to your past if you want to make a fresh start. Wouldn't you mind losing good friends along the road? And there I am again: Am I a reason to cut the past off? I've always been one to exaggerate feelings or even invent them in guys that were mildly interested if at all and to just not see them in others that I deemed friends. (As Groucho Marx has put it, I would never join a club that would stoop low enough to take me as a member.) Sometimes he seemed very friendly towards me, a lot nicer than others, but then again, he was nice to a lot of people, that was just his way. And haven't I just learned from Greg Behrendt's wisdom that if he doesn't ask me out, he's just not that into me? He can't possibly be the one guy in a million who is too reasonable to give it a try even if he's going to move several hours north. Well, he could. But chances are, he isn't. If by some utter miracle you come across this, Mr. choir voice, humanist, sophisticated synaesthetic fluent at Greek guy, yes, it is you. So, why in the world would you do what you've done? Not that we've kept such close touch in the past eight months, erh, quite the opposite, actually, but that has completely robbed me of any chances. Is that what it is supposed to tell me? That I for once have to act and not just think about acting, maybe?
You do know that there was a time when you were one of the three guys peopling my brain? C, the waste of time, H, the wishful thinking kind of result, and you. What H's voice was referring to K, yours was to me, sometimes. You noticed subtle detail that hardly anyone saw, talking to you felt better than talking to C. Tough one, that, since talking to C involved frantically scratching the deep end of my brain for things to say to his silence and resigning, embarrassingly attributing it to his feelings. Talking to you was like no time at all, yet free. There was no click in my heart either, I'm afraid, only some moments of astonishment. Is this a great case of unrequited something that has had you pull the plug? Or is it me making a melodrama - again?
Gotta go to bed, hear my mom coming. Nah, but just felt like quoting my runner-up "favorite movie". Which one is my favorite again? Brain leak. No, that's not it. Ah, yes, Music and Lyrics. "I have amazing insight. I'd use it on myself, except I don't have any problems."
Guildenstern - 8. Apr, 20:48
