that should but don't go without saying

- enough sleep (Eight hours with the back door of getting ten the night after getting only six, but there isn't to be more than one night of not enought sleep.)

- exercise (Whether it be just the brisk walk to work or actual workout at the gym, which would be the ideal, enough exercise is to be an integral part of my week.)

- order instead of chaos (Whether I like to admit it or not, the chaos that my life has been for the past five years has really brought me down, because it was chaos without any boundary anywhere, I wasn't floating, I was keeping myself from drowning, and that was strenuous if not impossible at times.)

- time off for me (My belly is so good at making decisions, I should listen more often; like tonight when U told me she probably wasn't coming back, what did I feel? Of course I felt a little relieved and a little proud that she had arrived at a conclusion, but I also felt envious. I know I'm not that sick anymore, never was as sick as she was, but, God (and this is alright to say), would I need more time off! And, by the way, next time I am asked what I do when I don't have anything to do, what will I answer? "I don't do anything.")

- time for the people in my precious circle. (Strangely enough I am still afraid at times of picking up the phone, of getting involved in a conversation. It seems there are two things I need to learn, namely understanding that if I feel very disinclined that just means that I need to be by myself, and understanding that getting on a deeper meaningful level with someone is something worth achieving. Oh, why do I suddenly have the feeling that nothing of that is ever, not even remotely, part of my days at school?)

- pleasure (That's something I have probably never gotten the gist of. I either can't see the end of something, enjoy the end of pleasure, thus not even the pleasure itself (to all you fellow three-bars-of-chocolate-eaters out there, it can get better with time). Or I can't enjoy something fully. I can remember surprising my mom by really, really, really letting go of any inhibitions and singing and moving with the music at the S&G concert. But that's about the only time, and I wish there was more of that. What's life without pleasure? What's pleasure without pain? But yet, for those of you who, like me, are one-sided, what's life without pleasure?)

- being me (And that means in every aspect there is.)

On my first visit to Barnes & Noble on this wonderful, wonderful, wonderful unmissable vacation I found what will probably be the most important book for me (The Road Less Traveled). I've only browsed so far - He's Just Not That Into You got into its way - but I've already read the essential line:

"Life is difficult. Once you accept it, you transcend it."

Good, nah, not so good to be home, but at least I've had a relaxing day with my parents, a nice and unexpected passenger in Ht, and my five silly minutes at the newsstand at the station. Yep, I did buy that magazine, hope it won't get me lost in something. But, nah again, in these two weeks I've moved on to being more of me, and that includes not rushing into something that might be stupid or that might just be another self-delusion.

Gosh, have I ever come back from a vacation, even from a weekend, and felt this liberated? This easy? This unfrustated (which is an unelegant word, but I can't think of one that fits better right now)? I wish I had another day off like A, but I guess that kind of wish just gets me in trouble. So let me indulge and have a small bite of cake and a look at my magazine. Gosh, feels good even thinking of it!

Ich mag nicht nach Hause fliegen. Ich will weiterhin hier sein, die Zeit geniessen. Es hat mich eine gewisse Unruhe erfasst, weil ich weiss, dass wir nur noch etwas mehr als einen Tag haben. Danach muss ich mich auf meine in allen Zellen gespeicherten Eindruecke verlassen. Aber diesmal hab ich das Speichern ziemlich gut geschafft. Ich glaube, dieser Urlaub war in vielerlei Hinsicht eine Wende. Die Person, die mich dieses Blog ueberhaupt erst anfangen liess, hat sich als fehlbarer, unsere Freundschaft als fragiler herausgestellt.

Auf einmal ergibt so vieles einen Sinn, was mich vorher nur verwirrt hat. Ich finde Themen, die mich nicht nur in Buechern interessieren, sondern mir, scheint's, auch eine Richtung vorgeben sowie sogar Vergangenes erklaeren. War ich lange nur eine Ansammlung von Beziehungen, Gefuehlen und Gedanken, so bin ich nun ich, ein Mensch, der sich der ganz eigene Mensch, der ganz eigene Charakter, ein einzigartiges Wesen mit Ecken und Kanten zu sein traut. Wow! Ich bin ein bisschen stolz auf mich. Ich fuehle mich unabhaengiger von der Meinung und dem Gefallen anderer. Wow! Ich bin ein bisschen stolz auf mich.

On top of that hat sich mir gestern wieder eine Maennererkenntnis eroeffnet: Der Eine kann nur der Eine sein, wenn er Misogynie auf allen Ebenen, mit allem Handeln, Denken, Sprechen, Fuehlen ablehnt. In erster Linie Mensch eben.


("ss" und "ue", "ae", "oe" sind keine Fehler, sondern Ergebnis der englischen Tastatur.)

Ich hab mich neu verliebt: in Irgendwie und Sowieso. Schon in den ersten Minuten. DAS IST ES.