Where do I go, follow the river*
Hmm, I'm going to let Mu back into my heart. It's a simple equation: If you don't want one tenant to use up all the space, you get a second one to share. If I let Mu's smile, stature, eyes, dashing behind affect me, ... won't have the power over me. Plus: I can appear all casual, relaxed and I'm-having-a-crush-on-someone with Mu without actually having a crush on him, thus just radiating the warmth and self-confidence that is needed. And it can be the same with ..., who will think I'm desired by someone else. Perfect plan.
Well, how did I come up with that cleverest of ideas? Mu had walked into my vision with a cute new haircut. Has he always been so attractive? I wanted to be near him, somehow. As we all left the staff room, I ended up walking three feet behind Mu and Ma. Typical men talk. A thought popped up: "Men are nice." A student called out Ma, who stopped in his tracks, taking Mu along and making me overtake. Of course I walked up the stairs in front of the guys, aware of their staring possibilities. Their talk got more interesting, catching my attention. Just before we had to enter our respective classrooms, Mu addressed me directly, and it was the first opportunity in months to look into his bright amber eyes. For him to look into mine? What he was saying was funny, the whole situation was funny, I was happy inside and outside. Completely. Ma had already left, Mu and I were laughing, and I was thoroughly enjoying myself.
As I entered the classroom, they were probably surprised at the complete and utter happiness radiating from my face.
I doubt that I'll be falling back into the severe crush mode that I was in, but noticing him every now and then might put me into a more present state. Seriously, looking into his eyes and actually communicating for ten seconds brought me back, brought my mind back from the metropolis of my would-be love - how embarrassing now! - to the little village of me-town. I'm here all the time, I can't be absend-minded 24/7 just because I think I might find a friend that might turn into a lover and feed off that idea for three weeks until the next input in the form of the supposed friend's presence comes along. No, I can't.
What I can do, though, is keep living the spirit of being infused with belief that I am indeed lovable and desirable and that there's a guy out there who may attract all my desire, in every aspect of life. I may also stick to the notion that my job doesn't constitute 99% of my life and that it doesn't define me. I'm more. So much more.
*Where do I go, follow the gulls
(Hair)
Well, how did I come up with that cleverest of ideas? Mu had walked into my vision with a cute new haircut. Has he always been so attractive? I wanted to be near him, somehow. As we all left the staff room, I ended up walking three feet behind Mu and Ma. Typical men talk. A thought popped up: "Men are nice." A student called out Ma, who stopped in his tracks, taking Mu along and making me overtake. Of course I walked up the stairs in front of the guys, aware of their staring possibilities. Their talk got more interesting, catching my attention. Just before we had to enter our respective classrooms, Mu addressed me directly, and it was the first opportunity in months to look into his bright amber eyes. For him to look into mine? What he was saying was funny, the whole situation was funny, I was happy inside and outside. Completely. Ma had already left, Mu and I were laughing, and I was thoroughly enjoying myself.
As I entered the classroom, they were probably surprised at the complete and utter happiness radiating from my face.
I doubt that I'll be falling back into the severe crush mode that I was in, but noticing him every now and then might put me into a more present state. Seriously, looking into his eyes and actually communicating for ten seconds brought me back, brought my mind back from the metropolis of my would-be love - how embarrassing now! - to the little village of me-town. I'm here all the time, I can't be absend-minded 24/7 just because I think I might find a friend that might turn into a lover and feed off that idea for three weeks until the next input in the form of the supposed friend's presence comes along. No, I can't.
What I can do, though, is keep living the spirit of being infused with belief that I am indeed lovable and desirable and that there's a guy out there who may attract all my desire, in every aspect of life. I may also stick to the notion that my job doesn't constitute 99% of my life and that it doesn't define me. I'm more. So much more.
*Where do I go, follow the gulls
(Hair)
Guildenstern - 11. Mai, 11:45
