Der ultimative Hinweis, dass das, was eh schon seit Jahren nichts ist, was man auch schon lange als nichts erkannt hat und nun auch als nichts spürt, wirklich ein Nichts ist: Er kriegt mit einer anderen Frau ein Kind.

In gänzlich anderer Sache: Gut irgendwie, dass ich das am Freitag noch nicht wusste.

Just for the record: This is the first time I've had to cry out of despair at what's ahead and what my life is like. I've made it through two months of bracing myself against the unpleasantness of a job that sucks and dealing with the consequences of my actions. Apart from tears at terrible headaches and at a sad sad movie, I've been optimistic, in a good mood, strong, self-assertive, open, good to myself. But I guess there's an end to everything. I feel I might break.

On a more positive subject, I've come to think that the magic of last Friday was that there was no magic anymore. He and I, we were on one level, the pedestal gone, the idol just a man. An attractive one at times, but not the man of my hopes and dreams anymore.